Commedia Fun-

Ask A Mask

We invite our gentle readers to seek the sage and special understandings that our characters possess. Do not be shy:
Ask Pantalone how to tell a good business man by when he blinks.
Ask Arlecchino what is the best way to woo a woman.
Ask Isabella what is the most beautiful aspect of love.
Ask Spavento how one man may most expeditiously defeat an army.
Ask Brighella the least detectable way to cut a purse-string.
Ask the Dottore anything! (If you dare).

Mail your questions to i Sebastiani's Webmaster. Responses may appear sometime in the future, depending on the troupe performance load, weather, and sunspots.

Previous Questions and their Illuminating Answers

Good Dr. Graziano, I write to you with a matter of keen personal interest, which I trust you will hold in due confidence. How does one woo a woman if she has unusually large brown eyes? I am certain a man of your learning can appreciate the special problems such a woman presents. Anxiously awaiting your reply by private courier - Dr. Henry Best

My esteemed Doctor Best, Your need for covertness is obvious, and so I have put this most lucid, if clinical, response in a plain brown wrapper and sent it by special courier [Arlecchino Messenger Service] with complete confidence that no one but you and I will ever see this advice. Unfortunately our culture is so full of euphamisms and indirection that I can only guess about which of your phrases I should take literally, and which a bit more 'figuratively'. But guess I will with confidence. By big brown eyes, you are referring to the ones the masculine eye is most drawn to (especially when big and round), and by woo, you mean 'make her say woo!'. Certainly there are many difficulties to overcome. One is that if such a woman wiggles the right way, you might say 'woo' before she gets a chance, and it's all over. Another is that often such a woman has learned to put off even the most clever and wordy advances through long and repeated experience. Still another problem is that she often has a long line of athletic suitors who will not cheerfully let you cut in front of them. Yes the difficulties are many, and often insumountable; however, if this woman is Vittoria, you must simply make an appointment, and bring half a ducat. [J. Cross]

Arlechino, what is the best way to woo a lady? (from J. Smith)

Ohhhhh, I'm so glad you asked me about this, because I know all about this question. I overheard Spavento talking about it and he said that you must treat a woman like a sword. So, to really treat a woman well, you have to put her in a leather sheath and hang her from your belt. Then if you get somone angry and have a duel, you can pull your true love out of the bag by her feet and practice waiving her around threatingly. If you do get in a fight make sure you keep her level and jab your opponent with her point. If this doesn't work, though it should because Spavento knows about war and all is fair in love and war so Spavento knows about love, but if it doesn't work do what I do. Ask for more sweets like Ricciolina's cakes. Ricciolina has beautiful cakes. They say that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach so if a lady keeps feeding you she might get stuck there, in your heart and won't be able to get out. Or maybe you're better off wooing a block of gorgonzola, because gorgonzola doesn't talk back so much. Love really can be a splendid thing, but it's no excuse to ignore aromatic cheese. [C. Shannon]

Dear Capitano Spavento, Where in the hell can we find a good picture of you? (from Neigel)

The Hell is the best place to find a good picture of Spavento, for those in hell are condemned to paint what they saw last in life, again and again and again. No one but the lord God himself has sent more evil men to hell than Spevento. If you can cross those dark waters, you may see tens of thousands, perhaps millions of paintings of one heroic man with his blade thrust down through the black heart of the eternally tormented artist. You might also find a good picture of Spavento in the heart of the most beautiful maiden in every town from Castile to Baghdad, from Oslo to Alexandria, but these pictures are tucked where common men will never see them
-Juan Diego Garcia Eduardo Carlos Orlando Sforza i Spavento, el Grando Pollo. [J. Cross]

Dear Brighella, I want see Brighella's picture? (from Sylvia)

Oh Sweet Sylvia, There are two pictures of Brighella. One is an evil untrue picture painted by those who fear the goodness and mercy that Brighella brings with him whereever he goes. They lie and cheat, and describe Brighella in falsehoods and gross exagerations. They call him coniving, and a common thief, to keep the town watch alert, and their favored daughters away. But there is a true picture of Brighella, which you may paint in your mind's eye. He is a man who knows the yearning for love in your heart. He is a man who knows that your mother and father still think you are a little girl, and can not follow your own true desires. They don't want you to see the goodness in the inner man. Brighella is a man that wants to know your inner goodness, and sees you as much more than a precious and rare bauble. He knows you have deep feelings that must be answered. He is a man of great wisdom gained from the street. He is a very handsome man in his own way. Let me into your house tonight after they ring compline, and I will show you this picture.
-Brighella [J. Cross]

Dear Pedrolino, Should I end my pointless life? and if so, should it be by the pistol or by blade? (from Unco)

Master Unco, this is a clever ruse to get me to help work things out. Forget it. I'm not doing it. There is no way I can convince Gratiano that Flaminia should marry you instead of your father Pantalone. I am now officially out of the helping foolish young men with no faith in the powers above to help true love. If you don't have the patience to wait for things to go your way in such matters, then I suggest you do end your pointless life. The ideal way to do yourself in is with an excess of wine, women, and song. I shall accompany you, we should begin as soon as I come back from unhiding Flaminia's dowery, stopping Arlecchino's trick that will result in a duel between the Capitano and your father, switching back a few letters, and telling Flaminia not to expect you for the little tryst I'd arranged.
-Pedrolino [J. Cross]

Dear Pantalone, How can you tell a good business man by when he blinks? (from Eilla)

You look naive, but it is a false innocence. Cosimo sent you didn't he. He has always been jeolous of my business success, and he wants to know how I do it. Ha! I will only tell you what he told me. There is no blinking, or misdirection in honest trade. You must work hard to make opportunity come. When opportunity does comes, you must grab her in front with a sure hand, because behind she is slippery and bald.
-Pantalone [J. Cross]

Dear Arlecchino, What is a hurdy-gurdy, and why would anyone play it? (from T. Postle)

A Hurdy-Gurdy! What a wonderful device!
Mind you I am only guessing, but it is a smart guess based on lots of personal experience listening and watching. A Hurdy-Gurdy is a round box, flat on one side, with a crank at one end. Inside the box are an owl, a crow, and a tomcat. The musician turns the crank, which alternately shows the cat to the owl, the owl to the crow, and the crow to the cat, all the while tightening the cat's tail so as to make it yowl. On the outside of the box are several strings that the musician uses to open and close baffles to select the resonances in the cacaphonic chorus to emphasise.
People would want to play this instrument if they have any desire for the whole world to love them and follow them around. It accentuates a man or woman's charms beyond earthly limits.
-Arlecchino [J. Cross]

Hey Brighella, what's the least detectable way to cut a purse string? (from Wormsworth)

Yo Wormsworth. normally I wouldn't give away my secrets to the competition, but for you, I'll make an exception. No one will detect your crime if you have a bottle of poison, and a forged letter asking you to kill the Doge. Cut the string with a dull butter knife. When you have these items with you, the strongest constables will not notice you. Under no circumstances should you recruit a child to do it for you. Now, quickly depart before anyone sees me talking with you.
Maestro Brighella, king of the gypsies [J. Cross & M. Yoder]

Dear Isabella, How often does love happen in a life? (from Sparky)

Dear Sparky, One can only experience true, passionate, fully devoted romantic love once in a lifetime. True love is a searing flame that brands the image of your beloved on your heart indelibly and eternally. Neither distance, disgrace, dispair, time, or death can obliterate that image. If the image on your heart changes or waivers, then you have not experienced true love. Once you have found love, it endures forever.
-Isabella [J. Kobayashi]

Dear Doctor, I have had a sore throat recently and decided to chew some garlic which burnt the roof of my mouth...will this cause any permanent damage?(from Douglas)

Ah Douglas, you have come to the right place for advice. Indeed, the Gar Leek is a potent herb to be sure. In the words of Pliny the Elder the Garlic has virtues far beyond its ability to keep a man from overly sensative women on a cold night. Drawing from it's other worldly qualities, it is the essence of Mt. Vesuvius, which as we know rumbles in a God-like fashion, and spews steam and soot. Soot as you know is the essence of candles, which also burn. Why you might ask do flames always go up? It is because they belong in the firmament, and are seeking their true place displacing the heavy air which surrounds them. This is precisely why the roof of your mouth was burned. It was the garlic seeking its natural place. Thus, far from damage, the garlic may have restored your mouth to the condition it has always longed to be in.
- Dotore Gratiano [J. Cross]

Capitano Spavento, how do you woo a lovely young lady? (from Cathy)

Oh Catherine, A young lady is like a sword. She first must be studied without touching. Then she must be buffed and shined in the most complimentary way until she glows in the moonlight. Only then has a young man done his part that he may clutch her where she is meant to be touched. If the man is worthy, he will hold her surely, but with a light grasp, guiding her, but not forcing her. If he is Spavento, she will hum and sing with every thrust.
-Juan Diego Garcia Eduardo Carlos Orlando Sforza i Spavento, el Grando Pollo. [J. Cross]

Pantalone, how may I tell who will be generous, dealing with me in the market place?

Well it's about time you took an interest in business! Why, when I was your age, my careful investments and enterprises had already tripled the paltry sum that my dear departed father had left to me! Of course, the very essence of business, of commerce, the life blood of our world, is knowing when you're getting a good deal! Why, if I didn't know when someone was trying to cheat me, I could lose my entire empire just like that! After all, as my empire has gotten larger, my deals have gotten correspondingly grandiose. I might have made a deal (with the Doge, no less!) that would have cost me more money than I have! Had I had not known of Venice's damp condition when he offered to rent me the basements of all his warehouses. Just imagine the cost to man the pumps! His quaint conniving charm did not surpass my market sense!
But, beyond that, you have to be able to look into a person's smiling face and see them for the cold, ruthless, money grubbing merchant that they are. You've got to fleece the easy marks, and never think twice. So... Oratio, where are you going? Oratio? Oratio!
Kids today, they ask you a question, then they don't even bother listening. I've had a suspicion that he's not my son. Maybe I can buy a new one. Paulo's son has a head for numbers"... [D. Abraham]

Dottore Gratiano, do you think I should get a cat?

A cat you say? I daresay there are many aspects to your question, which make it a good bit more difficult to answer than just a simple affirmative or not. You would think that Leonis majoris being in opposition to the sun at this moment would suggest that felines are out of favor with fate, and Mars, the planet of war and conflict being in Aquarius (Cats loath the sensation of dampness), yet you ask (If I may dwell on what you have pondered before your query) should you get a cat. Should as you know connotes a certain sense of moral decision making, as though if it were determined that if you should, and you did not that tua maxima culpa, the comfort of your immortal soul would be forfeit, and you would join the Spaniards, Turks, Roger Bacon, Krebs, and Copernicus burning in eternal perdition at the pleasure of the fallen diabolis. How sulfurous and noxious those fumes must be as they burn the very nostrils of those sinners like some honey, beans, and eggs induced backside effervescence blasting like Gabriel's trumpet on Judgement Day, from a snoring bedmate. But no! The choice to get a cat has no moral consequence. The dilemma then goes to a question of value! Are you better off with a cat and it's concupiscent costs, such as food, and extra scrubbing, and yet fewer mice (oh those musaludeons, playing with their food!); or are you better with brass in pocket, and some... [BONK] ugghhh, thud. [J. Cross]